Alright girls and guys of the subcontinent, lets talk some truth. We are all tired of looking tanned, or worse, dark. Lordy lord. That kinda stuff kills careers and limits your choices of marriage partners. Who needs that kind of negativity in life? I’d rather whiten up and spend the rest of my life with someone who loves me skin deep. It’s the only kind of love that is good folks. So let’s get you sorted. Here are my top 5 ways to light the hell up.
Make sure you are born to fair folks
This one works 99.9% of the time. Having white parents means not just having your own white skin, but being surrounded by other beautiful light skinned people. You probably will be born under and with better healthcare as well. It’s correlated, so not only are you born looking good, you’re born healthy.
Sometimes it’s so good that you can even try burning yourself under the sun and you won’t go dark. I am not making this shit up. This option has just too much going for it!
Run from the Sun
Now don’t worry if you missed the first step and have already made your way into this world carrying colored skin on your flesh. We got other solutions. My next favorite is staying away from the Sun. Forever. Refuse to step out in the day time. If someone asks you to then just laugh in their face and tell them how stupid they look in their dark skin. If an emergency happens, then learn to run shade to shade. It’ll get you nice and slim as well – added bonus!
Become a vampire baby. Everyone knows vampires are sexy. This one takes about a minimum of 5-6 years of absolutely no sunlight and you’ll be white and privileged in no time at all.
OK so not everyone has THAT much time. I mean your dream job is waiting and you are ready to get started. White mask yourself. Pull on a nice white mask. Personally my favorite is the mask from the Scream movies. Not only do you look fairer but also definitely come across more assertive. They’ll hand you that job like people hand over their phones to muggers – fast.
Slather white paint on yourself
Masks making it hard to breathe? Potential employers or partners might want to see more than just your face? No problem. Splash that gorgeous white colored paint all over yourself. Plenty of benefits – lasts longer. More comfortable than masks, at least in the short term. And if you use top quality paint then the chances of developing cancer or skin diseases are practically next to 50%.
Pretend you are white
Alright, life as a dark person has got you down so much that none of the above are feasible or affordable. They say change starts in your mind. Watch lots of movies and TV with white people in it. Refuse to call yourself brown. If someone does, poke them in their eyes. That’ll teach em. I’ve found that if you keep telling yourself and truly believe then the world around you will too.
Good luck and let me know how the above helped you. Here’s to a wildly more beautiful and successful life!